On pre-Thanksgiving & the changing of the seasons

Looking back, it seems as if I only blog in November. Perhaps the changing of the season, the darker days and colder nights, brings out the writer in me. Perhaps this is the perfect time to start writing again. 

It is Thanksgiving here in the United States in a few days. Truthfully, I think that this holiday is celebrated late in the season and too close to Christmas. I think the Canadians have it right celebrating at the height of harvest season and the peak of the leaves in October. Ah, but maybe I am biased and still think Canadians do a lot of things right. Perhaps I'll move back to Canada yet one day. So this Thanksgiving I am charged with hosting my brother and his wife and to cook Thanksgiving dinner by myself. As a cook I am up for the challenge, but hosting and putting on a dinner is a lot to do. I also just moved and am a perfectionist. This means somewhere I got a notion, an expectation in my head, that I need to be settled and have attained that level of perfection by the time company arrives. Yes, I know this is unrealistic and, well, a little silly its just family after all, however, a little pressure and self-motivation never hurt anyone. Yes, I am neurotic, but I am choosing to embrace my neuroses and  their tendencies. I choose to look at them as qualities that make me unique. 

November, it seems, is also a time of transition. Once again this fall I found myself looking for employment, applying for jobs, contemplating whether now would be a good time to go back to school, and finding temporary work. Thankfully, this time around I found a good place to work and got offered a real, adult (with responsibilities, not in the adult-film industry) job. I am excited about this because it is actually in my field of higher education administration and will be a place where I can grow professionally. 

Time: 6:30am (the sun is not up yet, but I am)

Weather: a balmy 25

Currently Reading: 

1. A Short History of Everything
   
2. Fleeing the Ivory Tower
3. Shake Hands with the Devil

It is November

It is November and the winds of winter have begun to blow in. I have especially felt this as the heat in my apartment is not working. That little space heater I bought my first year of college has really helped. Although I find I must plug it in wherever I go in my apartment. I think it might be better if it would grow legs and follow me wherever I go. Then we could add a cute shell like my newest purchase: a penguin humidifier (I think it is the best purchase ever and it almost makes me glad I was sick, oh, but it was a hard decision between the Hello Kitty and the penguin, the penguin called out my name in a weepy voice for a new home). Of course, there are times that I say to myself, "you know you are ridiculous, right?"

So, then, perhaps this should be one of my new nicknames "just plain ridiculous." As I feel that my life is simply that way at times. My struggle to find meaningful employment and not go crazy in the process is a journey into the absurd. Perhaps this is why studying the Theatre of the Absurd appealed to me so much in high school. Thank you Mrs. Kvikstad...no that wasn't her name...the other English teacher...oh, well. Thanks Ms. 11th grade English teacher, you have opened my eyes to theatre and the arts; I fell like someone understands me. All the really good authors who killed themselves. Why do all the really interesting people live on the outskirts of social life? A rhetorical question by the way...

Recent trips, Grad school, and getting back to normal

This last year has been a bit of a blur: attending and finishing grad school, finding direction about career, two RA position, and travels to Scandinavia, Russia, Alaska and most recently a trip to Ottawa to visit friends and my old home the LLC. Now, as I am working at a temp job waiting to her back from one position and then, if course, keep applying, I feel a sense of calmness that I have not felt for a very long time. I think having answered some important questions about future: career, lifestyle, relationships, etc has helped me feel more secure in who I am.

I find the fall a perfect time for reflection. It is also a good time to organize and reorganize. I firmly believe that traveling is good for reflection as well as it gives perspective, but there also needs to be a time to come back to normalcy and reflect on the reflection and draw connections about what one has learned. I find the reflection a painful process, but once the time has elapsed and one is reflecting on the reflection I find that perspective is gained and what was once unclear quickly becomes apparent. I think it is a peace that can only come after the storm. I find that I need to distance myself from some things more than I used to, I feel myself changing, becoming older, wiser, yet so child-like in other areas. I suppose this is also the ebb and flow of the learning process: one day you think you are beginning to grasp something...and idea, a system, the nature of God, what it means to be Orthodox...but then you are suddenly reminded that you (I) have so much yet to learn. "The more I learn the more I learn that I know nothing."

My resolution until now and the end of the year is to actually finish this ever-growing stack of started books. My year at grad school and being ill has postponed this greatly.

Current stack:
1. Kaplan, R.D. " Surrender or Starve: Travels in Ethiopia, Sudan, Somalia, and Eritrea."
2. Weil, A. "Eating Well for Optimum Health."
3. Tolstoy. "Resurrection."
4. Schmemann. A. The Journals of Fr. Alexander Schememann: 1973-1983."
...I am sure there are others.

Picture taken on a hike about an hour east of Anchorage, behind me is a glacier.

Getting Sick, taking time out, and feeling guilty for it

I have this overarching sense of dread that I am not living up the responsibilities of life. In one word: overwhelmed.

On Monday of this week I started an internship at the International Education Center at the undergraduate campus of my university. I will be conducting and continuning some reserach on the status of international students and I am excited about this opportunity but I do wonder if I am doing too much. Then again, the people that I have met so far have been wonderful, like-minded and they even took me out to lunch my first day. In the end, it will be the contact that I get at this job that will help me down the road get a job. And right now I am already thinking down the road, post-graduation. I feel like if I don't get abraod soon and gain some substaintal work experience my life is over. OVER, I say, OVER. So, perhaps I am being a bit overreactionary, but who says I can't be dramatic once in a while.

By Tuesday evening I know that I am getting sick, and the whole time I am stressing out because I can't figure out how to do this macro at work and I have no idea how I am suppose to get all the readings finished for my back-to-back classes the next day. It is then that I realize that perhaps there is a reason I am sick (which I know already, I need more sleep, less stress, and more time to myself that is not reading pages upon pages about colonialim, racism, or education) and that this may be a blessing and a time to catch-up, stay home and rest from people. Why is it that I love being in school so much, am I really that crazy?? I am secure in the thought that after this year is over I will be cured of schooling and reading for a good year...then again perhaps not.

So lesson of the week. Do not feel guilty about taking some time that you so desperatly need off to recooperate. If my work-centered culture does not leave room for such flexibility, shouldn't the culture change? Well, I certainly think so!

Listening to: Mozart's Piano concerto on NPR
Reading: Beauty Tips from Moose Jaw
Weather: Overcast
For Breakfast: Pumkin muffins
Feeling: glad it is the weekend and I getting away, although with a bunch of Int'l college students? How relaxing is this going to be?

August, already?

Hi, it's me again. Boy the last weeks and months went by. And August is on it way out already!

So to recap my life these days:
1. I quit my job at the end of June.
2. Flew to NY to see my long-distance relationship boyfriend
3. Met Matt for the first time...long story.
4. Disasterous and awakard last few days
5. Spent next few weeks in utter relationship confusion
6. Realized why I avoided relationships thus far in my life
7. Somewhere summer began
8. Started first graduate school course: it was a joke and I had to talk about myself a lot...ick!
9. Began training for my graduate research assistantship position in Dept. of Finance. I am now skimming over articles that I only vagualy know anything about. Hey, at least I am being challenged.
10. Oh, and then there is the wedding planning of my sister's nuptual in January.
11. And now since there is no bus service between campuses this week I am working from home. This means I don't go anywhere and I try to tell myself my life has meaning.
12. But I did spend my 26th B-day a few weeks ago with the Monastics at St. Issac of Syria Skete. I have now decided to spend each birthday at an interesting place...or perhaps a monastery.
13. In two weeks I will begin a full load on graduate work. I am trying to be done in one year. I am slightly crazy, but it can be done. And I am already thinking PhD work. Really, I think I am once again getting ahead of myself.

Has it really been that long??

I cannot believe that so many weeks have gone by without blogging. I blame it on Lent, and all the weird happening that have occured with the onset of that season. Finding out disturbing info about my father, having a stressful job, training in for a new position, working full-time and going to services, getting sick, taking on an array of Spring projects (like painting my dinning room and my bathroom), taking care of my deprerssed mother, cooking, cleaning, oh, and finally finding out that I'm accepted into graduate school...these are just a few of the events of the past six weeks.

So...what's next you ask? Well, next week the advisor saga should end and then I should have a bettter idea about future course load and focus that I'll have in my program. My supervisor came back from her maternaty leave so perhaps my job situation will improve...if not I will be looking very intently at graduate assistantships for the fall and taking as many credits as possible. This is crazy I really want to be back in school...while the idea of selling my soul to the corporate world is appealing...I think I it is time to do something other than make labels for five hours a day and answer the phones of irrate customers and where I have to act all smilily and nice. ICK!! In the meantime I am trying to catch up on reorganizing my stuff and doing some projects that I have been meaning to do for a number of years. Let's hope I can get them done by Summer!!

Cannon of St. Andrew

Tonight I was able to attend the second night of the Cannon of St. Andrew during the first week of Great Lent. What I love about this at our parish is that Fr. Jonathan is joined by Fr. Andrew of a local mission (of which I used to occasionally attend), and Fr. Ted, head of MEOCCA. I feel like the three priests alternating on each ode is beautiful and a very lovely Holy Trinity tradition, which I hope continues throughout the years. I also very much enjoy attending services at night after the rushing of the day. It is times like this that I think that I could be part of monastic life. Note to self: try to visit the Skete sometime this spring.

While it is said the St. Andrew of Crete did not intend his cannon to necessarily be part of the anual Lenten tradition of the church as I am approaching my third Orthodox Lenten season (can't believe it) it is quickly becoming a time that I cherish. I think so many stanzas that are devoted to important and forgotten stories of the pentetuch and books of poetry is important to recall as be are brought into the season of Lent. In some ways it is like the remembering of who you are and where you have come from. It is the remembering that as a person part of the Church in the 21st centurury your experince does not occur in a vacuum. You have the expereinces of the Israelites, Kings, prophets, poets, the early church, the Church fathers, the councils, and many others throughout the centuries who have gone before you. It is precisly that history that makes this anual tradition leading up to the celebration of Pascha so meaningful.